My RSA was asleep when I got home Monday night. He hadn’t accidentally dosed off at his post – he was in a deep slumber on the couch next to his desk. I swiped my card and tried to make some noise as I wandered in unchecked. When he came to, I waved my ID and yelled to him from across the lobby.

‘Dude, I live here.’

As I waited for a response, his disorientation faded into resentment. He shook his head, threw his arms up in disbelief and returned his attention to the plush, comfy, dorm-issue sofa. He must have been mad that I woke him up.

I lived in Marion Hall last year. It’s the smallest dorm on campus, but apparently it’s also a hotbed for criminal activity. Last semester two guys ran past the lone guard and made off with a bounty of computers and cell phones. The building has already been burglarized twice this year.

I parked in the Comstock lot overnight on the second weekend of school this year. When I returned the next morning, my back window was smashed to small pieces. There was a note written on a business card and wedged into my driver side window.

Robert, please call us regarding your vehicle. -Public Safety

Crime, vandalism and security lapses happen here all the time. We can do little but complain that the cops raid bars while the local drug trade flourishes and shootouts erupt between rival gangs.

But I’m taking matters into my own hands.

Syracuse has become a crime-plagued city because it’s missing the one ingredient that revives every dark, dreary metropolis – the vigilante. Shadowy, mysterious crime fighters have saved countless cities from the clutches of evil. I’m just the man for the job.

There are a few things I’ll need before I can defend Syracuse from its league of criminal masterminds: heroic attire, a clever sidekick and some speedy transportation. Once I have those, I’ll have my secret vigilante identity down. Now if I could only do a back-flip …

Ingenious Disguise

The first key to vigilante action is a proper costume. Revealing my true identity would tarnish my esteemed public image and help villains hunt me down and attack while I’m taking careful notes in class. Lucky for me, I love spandex. I’ve developed a costume highlighted by a tight, orange jumpsuit and a gratuitous exaggeration of my most masculine features.

Rather than wearing a mask, I’ll start wearing glasses when I’m not in superhero mode. My friends aren’t very observant, and my teachers don’t recognize me anyway, so it’ll be just perfect.

Heavy Artillery

I’ve compiled an elaborate utility belt based on the arsenals of my favorite former vigilantes. Guns are overdone these days, so I’ve opted for stealthier selections like the katana blade, boomerang, hockey stick, ninja stars and pepper spray. Oddly enough, the spray was the only one that came with a safety warning.

I’ll also need to burn rubber on the way to any crime-in-progress, so I’ve purchased a bright orange H2 and equipped it with monster-truck wheels, bulletproof glass and an elaborate GPS supercomputer. Unfortunately, it gets terrible gas mileage, so I have to refuel halfway to South Campus.

Loyal Sidekick

No hero is complete without a sidekick – someone to crack wise at the appropriate moment and bail me out of dangerous jams. Since no one has answered my classified ad yet, my roommate will do for now. Our witty banter is sure to entertain any damsel in distress, and he’s deadly with a Gamecube controller and a bowl of Easy Mac.

Secret Lair

Since my dorm room is too cramped to install a fire pole that leads to an underground laboratory, I’ve rented the mysterious Schine Underground. I’ll also need a butler to cater to my guests and fend off nosy reporters. Chancellor Shaw, who is retiring next fall, has already expressed interest in the position.

Emergency Signal

I’m a busy man, so I can’t always be monitoring the city for the schemes of evildoers. I have equipped Public Safety and the Syracuse Police with what I like to call the ‘Orange Alert,’ a giant light that projects onto the overcast sky a silhouette of my nimble, ninja-esque form in full sprint towards the scene of the crime. The city is also implementing a similar signal to summon snowplows.

Unlimited Bankroll

I’ll need money for this operation, so I’ve decided to start to obtain funding from the university. So next time you get to vote on increasing the Student Activity Fee, remember that I need a new set of nunchakus!

Tragic Weakness

No vigilante is perfect, so each true crime-fighter must have some sort of grievous flaw for his enemies to exploit. In my case, I am addicted to Keystone Light and Acropolis pizza. I’m not sure what happens when I go without these sinful, delicious treats for more than a few hours, but it somehow involves blacking out and waking up the next morning wearing a girl scout uniform and chained to the roof of Booth garage. Keep that on the down-low.

Criminals of Syracuse, your days are numbered! Crime rates will plummet when I lay down the law all over this icy metropolis. It will finally be safe to unlock the doors and walk home alone. Thanks to my vigilante revolution, Syracuse will be restored to the secure, bustling city it once was. Once again, my RSA can sleep soundly – even when he’s on the job.

—

Rob Howard is a sophomore advertising major. E-mail him at rfhoward@syr.edu.

Published on September 17, 2003 at 12:00 pm