In high school my brother was called ‘The Tripod.’ Being exposed to this sexual nickname at 13, I didn’t realize the significance of my brother’s anatomical resemblance to a camera stand.

Now I get it. My brother’s got something every boy wants. Most girls want it, too, and I don’t mean gender reassignment. Yes, my friends, I’m talking about big penises.

You hear about them in the media. You see it on David Beckham’s beautiful billboard in Times Square advertising H&M male underwear. Cosmopolitan’s monthly sex tips tell you how to find one, ride one and suck on one. I even think there’s a section for how to use one as a candle. But there’s one condition — it’s got to be huge, right?

Wrong.

Carli Blau, a master’s student studying television, radio and film, knows not everyone has to be a Tripod.

‘When it comes to penis size, I think there is some truth to the saying it’s not about the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,’ she said.

Blau should know. She has a sex blog and is pursuing a doctorate in human sexuality to become a sexologist. A penis isn’t to sex what biceps are to weightlifting. It’s not going to get bigger through repetition, so go ‘shake’ what God gave you. So if size isn’t a big deal, why is everyone still talking about it?

I’m sure my brother’s inadvertent affiliation with Kodak gained him alpha male status in the showers after rugby practice. I’ve witnessed quite a few ‘let’s talk about our penises’ conversations with my male friends, and those who are ‘big’ definitely get man points. So somehow, somewhere, boys learn that big is best.

But considering sex involves penises and vaginas, why am I not having competitive vagina comparison conversations with my female friends? My vagina’s as important as any penis from where I’m standing. Artist Jamie McCartney agrees with me. He created an exhibit called ‘The Great Wall of Vagina’ by plaster casting 400 women’s labia.

To be fair to the male population of Syracuse, vaginas are a topic of conversation. I overheard a charming boy in Schine Student Center talking about the girl he ‘pumped’ over the weekend having ‘labia seaweed,’ which ‘made it difficult for him to get in there.’ I wish Mr. Schine Time had just talked about his penis size, to be honest.

So men are happy to chat about sex and how godly their penis is with their guy friends, but when it comes to publically broadcasting their size, men become quiet. My scientific Facebook-based research conducted over the weekend proved the point.

My status Saturday and Sunday: ‘How big is your penis?’

Not one male was willing to publically state the length of his penis on Facebook. In fact the only response I got was from Sean Keefe, a junior magazine journalism and geography dual major.

He asked, ‘Is this going in The Daily Orange?’

Not that size is everything, but come on boys. Grow some balls. According to the World map of The Penis Size Worldwide on the TargetMap website, American men are just average when it comes to penises. You may think you’ve got an anaconda, but given that the average length is 5.1 inches (flaccid, calm down), you’re about 19 feet short. South Korea’s verging on small with an average of 3.8 inches, and the men of Congo are swinging around 7.1-inchlong penises on average.

But don’t go basing your gap year on TargetMap’s penis evidence. Big is not always best and can be painful. I remember a lovely gentleman who told me there was no way I should be lying down ‘for this.’ I’ve never gotten off my back quicker.

For girls who like girls, I guess you’ve figured out how good it is without a penis. Leave the number crunching to everyone else.

Iona Holloway is a magazine journalism and psychology dual major. Her column appears every Wednesday. Her high school boyfriend doesn’t speak to her because after a brutal dumping, she told everyone he was ‘hung like a hamster.’ She can be reached at ijhollow@syr.edu 

Published on February 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm