‘A Lot Like Love’

Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Amanda Peet

Directed by: Nigel Cole

Stars: 2 (Two) (Dos) (Deux) out of five

Take everything interesting about the late ’90s – from the tragic Internet bust to Smash Mouth’s irresistible pop ditty ‘Walkin’ on the Sun’ – and black it out. Then step into the theater for ‘A Lot Like Love,’ and Ashton Kutcher will vaguely reference it all during almost two hours of awkward conversation with Amanda Peet.

Right from the ‘seven years ago’ flashback that opens the film, they’ll smile, mimic each other in silly voices and have sex in places that would seem edgy if they hadn’t already been copulated upon in hundreds of other love stories. And they’ll grow up before your eyes, from the nerd-punk duo of 1998 to the struggling actress and failed diaper salesman of the 21st century.

Soon you’ll realize that their stories are worth telling, but that you’re missing all the good stuff. Almost everything compelling – even the airplane bathroom sex – is cut out of the film. The screen fades to black, tell us it’s ‘three years later,’ and spends another half-hour spastically searching for some semblance of emotion.

When they’re not time-traveling, Oliver (Kutcher) and Emily (Peet) flirt through a series of scenarios that always end with one of them leaving suddenly and losing touch for some extended period of time. The simple formula: one gets dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend, then solicits the other, then they spend a day or two in love, then the unexpected split.

The idea is to show snapshots of their lives, how they always end up together, how they just can’t see how perfect they are for each other. We’re supposed to think it’s clever how two 20-somethings progress through all life’s challenges, and maybe it’s even artsy that Oliver speaks to his deaf brother in sign language or that Emily at some point becomes a stop-motion photographer.

The problem is that it’s not clever, and it’s not cute, and it certainly doesn’t feel anything like love. The only heartstring this movie tugs is the one that makes you want to vomit through your nose. It’s so haphazardly strung together that it needs lines like ‘It’s been such a long time’ and ‘Really long, yeah’ to distract us from the time-lapsed monotony.

Then there’s everything it could have been – the countless undeveloped subplots about dead mothers, disloyal best friends and Internet venture capitalism. Even Kal Penn, the brilliance behind Taj in ‘Van Wilder’ and half of ‘Harold and Kumar,’ gets glossed over in what could have been a hilarious role as a Hummer-driving victim of Silicon Valley’s late-’90s hysteria.

At times, perhaps somewhere between ‘two years’ and ‘six months later,’ this movie almost seems like a joke. It’d work as a parody of itself, but it’s for real, right down to the final kiss in the final scene (watch out, it’s a wedding). Whatever you do, just don’t open your eyes. You might miss everything.

Published on April 21, 2005 at 12:00 pm