With Mayfest just around the corner, it’s time to start planning how you’ll spend the greatest day of the year you won’t remember. While your roommate buys a lethal amount of tequila and you spend four hours scientifically engineering the “most lit” Spotify playlist, don’t forget to plan the perfect outfit to distract people from how drunk you are. Here’s a list of possible Mayfest outfits and what they say about you:

Ironic graphic T-shirt

Whether it’s a giant smiley face or an “I heart New York” shirt, you’re going to spend the whole day aching for people to compliment your great sense of humor. You’re the low-key hipster of your group who “wishes University Union could bring some real musicians for once,” and bought a Block Party ticket only to resell it to some freshman for $100. D*ck.

Animal costume

Gorilla suit, penguin onesie — I don’t care. If you’re wearing an animal costume, this is all you’ll be talking about all day. You’ve been telling everyone you bought this through your dad’s Amazon Prime for weeks. Always down for a good time, you’re probably the raging alcoholic of the group. You’ll start the day by pouring Natty Light in your cereal.

Banana suit

Listen, man, we get it — you have a banana suit. It’s not that cool. Get off the roof.

Syracuse gear / Morphsuit

College is your life. You’re going to return here every spring for the next three decades. Your wife will hate you. Your kids will feel like they don’t know who you are anymore. You, on the other hand, will slip a disk playing beer pong on your old fraternity house’s porch.

Vineyard vines / Chubbies / Anything with an American flag

Mayfest is just another Friday to you. You wear some variation of this outfit every day, but for Mayfest, you might wear your “Make America Great Again” hat, which smiley-face T-shirt guy wants to ironically steal from you. You enrolled in “Human Sex” this semester because you thought it would be hilarious, but you haven’t been to class since February. You’re excited for your sixth year of college next year — you really think you’re starting to hit your groove.

Anything with a beer logo

Every year, you try to outdrink Animal Suit guy, and every year, you fail. You think vaping is a much healthier alternative to the smoking you “only do when you’re drunk.” You’ve been to every “Human Sex” class. You have an A.

Winter coat

Okay, Han Solo, get off your high tauntaun. We know you’re cold — you haven’t shut up about it since you arrived at the pregame this morning. I don’t care what the weather is, you didn’t try to have fun at all and you’re boring.

Drug rug / Wolf T-shirt

Buddy, you didn’t need to wear this to let us know you smoke pot. You’ve been talking about how lucky we all are to experience such a beautiful day nonstop for 45 minutes.

Hula hoop

It doesn’t matter what else you’re wearing. That’s a hula-hoop. Why are you hula hooping? Did you make a special trip to Toys “R” Us to get that? Something’s wrong with you.

Tie-dye / Birkenstocks

You’ll be drinking the wine you made from the grapes that have been fermenting on your desk all semester. Instead of going to Block Party, you’re going to spend that time knocking on doors for the Bernie Sanders campaign.

Ian McCourt is a junior television, radio and film major. He thinks beanies are definitely still wearable in the summer, so stop saying otherwise. You can reach him at iwmccour@syr.edu or follow him on Twitter @OrderInMcCourt.

Published on April 25, 2016 at 9:25 pm