Introverts are some of the most misunderstood people, especially when you love one. From the outside looking in, it may appear that you’re dating a brick wall — a very quiet brick wall. But all introverts’ best kept secret is this:

They talk. More than twice a day. Take it from me. I’m dating one called “L.”

L’s voice is small but clear, and I hear every word L says when I listen properly.

Psychologist Carl Jung popularized introversion as a concept in the 1920s, leading to the creation of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a psychometric questionnaire used by modern psychologists to understand the way people choose to see the world.

Les Gellis, an assistant professor of psychology at Syracuse University, said introverts differ in their sociability and seeking of excitement. Where an extrovert’s lifeblood is social interaction, introverts find the answers inside themselves.

Introversion is a weird concept in modern society, an extrovert’s playground, where promoting oneself as “somebody important” equates success.

But introverts aren’t weird.

In social situations, introverts are silently conspicuous. Every weekend, eyes-glued-to-the-ground-foot-shufflers watch introverts creep up the walls of Chuck’s Cafe like perfect little wallflowers.

But who sees them bloom when no one’s around?

“They could just be someone that, when they go out in groups, they need to wind down a bit after and recoup some of their energy,” Gellis said.

It’s easy to assimilate introversion with quietness and shyness, but they aren’t necessarily the same.

“Shyness is more having a fear of being with others,” Gellis said. “For introverts, it’s more of a desire. You’re more comfortable being by yourself.”

Sometimes introverts come off as rude — and maybe they are. Sometimes, L doesn’t waste words on people L doesn’t want to speak to. If someone doesn’t impress L in the first five minutes, the potential friendship is toast. It’s arrogant, in an intoxicating kind of way.

When you gain the trust of an introvert, it’s like finding a locked door that others either gave up looking for the key to open or didn’t bother with in the first place.

No one should cast off introverts as quiet and boring. They’re not — when they trust you. But they pick their moments. Some days, I make conversations with myself. Other days, L can’t shut up, and I sit there wondering when our relationship got so loud.

L can be the most vicious person I know, but other people are too busy to notice L exists. L laughs at them for the number of words they use and how little those words mean. L doesn’t understand why you would waste words when simply saying nothing makes more sense.

Angry introverts are scarier than angry extroverts, and sometimes waiting for arguments may take hours. If I suspect L is angry, I have no power. When the time comes, the way L chooses to express dissatisfaction has obviously been clearly thought out.

An introvert’s hard words are like diamonds — they cut you in half.

If you’re expecting constant verbal reinforcement, dating an introvert can be a thankless task. There is no point in trying to “bring them out of their shell.” Some have shells and some don’t. Some want to talk and some are content wearing headphones, tapping their toe to obscure European music and definitely not talking.

If you want to befriend or date an introvert, you need to learn to slam your trap shut and not force conversations. Re-learn the definition of quietness, and that silences are not awkward. Blank spaces don’t always need to be filled.

Iona Holloway is a senior magazine journalism and psychology major. No introverts were forced to talk during research for this column. Email her at ijhollow@syr.edu or follow her on Twitter at @ionaholloway.

Published on February 12, 2013 at 9:24 pm